Quite frankly I am confused by this year's spring weather. It is so cold lately it hardly feels like spring. Sometimes though, the smells come through. For example, as I walked from my house to my car this morning, a fresh undeniable scent wafted across my nose and caused me to pause and smile. Earth. Something green was growing. I closed my eyes and traveled back through the years to my own back yard where I was closer to the ground then and I could smell it always. My fingers were black with dirt for a few seconds and I could smell the lilacs in the back yard of my youth. I opened my eyes and looked around. Maybe it was just the lilac bush in our back yard here in the present. And then a slight breeze blew and I shivered. It's spring, just early I guess.

I feel like I've been in a feed loop for years. I am presently trying to begin anew.... since I last wrote, I've lost both of my parents, gained and lost jobs, become a grandma and lived through a house fire - the fixing of the house - trying to move home - and - making it home again. While I know everyone has life events and some are much more traumatic, I feel like I've been caught reacting to everything instead of creating my own existence. I want to rethink who I am and be that woman. Some things won't change. I am proud to be the daughter of Paul and Alice Hainault. I am so happy to be the wife/life-mate/lover of Roger Markham. It is amazing to think I am the Mother of four beautiful/wonderful/intelligent children - Katie, Alice, Joseph, and Emma. It is mind boggling to think I am the Grandma of one Keagan Bowen. My gifts and talents won't change.... maybe what I'm doing with them will.. my basic character won't change. I just want to STOP the madness of living a life of reaction. It's true that in order to continue living, I must react to my environment, but it seems I've made a career of that in itself. So here's to choosing my transitions.... choosing what I do with my time. Choosing who I am, who I'm becoming, who I will be.