Tonight I should be snuggled in by Rog, but I'm up. I'm up worrying and wondering, will I get a job again? When will one of the resumes I have sent out be fruitful and find me a new job? I wonder, should I change what I do? I'm a teacher... but it's been awhile since I was in my own classroom. Am I still relevant? I want to think I am. But am I? This not working is wreaking havoc on my idea of who I am, what is my worth? Why can't I find lasting work? I sort of feel like there is a purpose to this, and yet that could very well be me allowing the feeling since I desperately want to see God's hand in this, and I desperately want to be able to make sense of this place I find myself. It would be so heartbreaking to find it is all just the way things are. As I look back on every part of my life I can see the hand of God. I don't always know it at the time. And some of the times of my life have been not at all what I expected, but I can look back at all those times and see God. Where is He tonight? Sometimes I can buy into this "end of times" crap and I think all the things that have come my way the past few years and think I'm being tested in my faith. Like I'm one of the only ones left on earth who really believes in God and my faith is being tested. I tell you, sometimes I question though. What if there is no God? And then I remember those few times when I felt Him Right There and I knew it was God. And then I think to myself, I can see him in the tapestry that my life is weaving. How could I not believe? And yet... tonight... I'm worrying about a job, or lack of a job. Is that the way a Believer should behave? I wish I could just give over the worry, the wishing I knew where things were going. All I really know is; all we're given is this moment. Right now. And we have the past to think about. And I wish I knew what God had in mind.

It's a first!

Tonight there is going to be a first in my/our bed! Wow! You say, after 25 years of marriage you'll be doing something new? What could be new after all this time? We have never had a grandson stay over and sleep in our bed between us. Keagan is not feeling well and Katie is studying for her finals for nursing, so she asked if he could stay the night.... when it came time for sleep, he would not sleep in his pack and play. When he comes to Grandma's house he naps on my bed. So, against our better instincts, Rog and I know this is not going to be a cozy night's sleep for us, more of a disturbed night's sleep... so Grandpa and And Grandma will sleep with a grandchild between them for the first time! (I think Emma was a little jealous as she figured out where he was going to sleep. That little snuggle-upagus -as Roger calls her- is wishing she was the one in our bed.) Children are an amazing gift. I'll probably sleep better knowing I know where he is and if he's ok. Times they are a'changing.

Quite frankly I am confused by this year's spring weather. It is so cold lately it hardly feels like spring. Sometimes though, the smells come through. For example, as I walked from my house to my car this morning, a fresh undeniable scent wafted across my nose and caused me to pause and smile. Earth. Something green was growing. I closed my eyes and traveled back through the years to my own back yard where I was closer to the ground then and I could smell it always. My fingers were black with dirt for a few seconds and I could smell the lilacs in the back yard of my youth. I opened my eyes and looked around. Maybe it was just the lilac bush in our back yard here in the present. And then a slight breeze blew and I shivered. It's spring, just early I guess.

I feel like I've been in a feed loop for years. I am presently trying to begin anew.... since I last wrote, I've lost both of my parents, gained and lost jobs, become a grandma and lived through a house fire - the fixing of the house - trying to move home - and - making it home again. While I know everyone has life events and some are much more traumatic, I feel like I've been caught reacting to everything instead of creating my own existence. I want to rethink who I am and be that woman. Some things won't change. I am proud to be the daughter of Paul and Alice Hainault. I am so happy to be the wife/life-mate/lover of Roger Markham. It is amazing to think I am the Mother of four beautiful/wonderful/intelligent children - Katie, Alice, Joseph, and Emma. It is mind boggling to think I am the Grandma of one Keagan Bowen. My gifts and talents won't change.... maybe what I'm doing with them will.. my basic character won't change. I just want to STOP the madness of living a life of reaction. It's true that in order to continue living, I must react to my environment, but it seems I've made a career of that in itself. So here's to choosing my transitions.... choosing what I do with my time. Choosing who I am, who I'm becoming, who I will be.