Tonight I should be snuggled in by Rog, but I'm up. I'm up worrying and wondering, will I get a job again? When will one of the resumes I have sent out be fruitful and find me a new job? I wonder, should I change what I do? I'm a teacher... but it's been awhile since I was in my own classroom. Am I still relevant? I want to think I am. But am I? This not working is wreaking havoc on my idea of who I am, what is my worth? Why can't I find lasting work? I sort of feel like there is a purpose to this, and yet that could very well be me allowing the feeling since I desperately want to see God's hand in this, and I desperately want to be able to make sense of this place I find myself. It would be so heartbreaking to find it is all just the way things are. As I look back on every part of my life I can see the hand of God. I don't always know it at the time. And some of the times of my life have been not at all what I expected, but I can look back at all those times and see God. Where is He tonight? Sometimes I can buy into this "end of times" crap and I think all the things that have come my way the past few years and think I'm being tested in my faith. Like I'm one of the only ones left on earth who really believes in God and my faith is being tested. I tell you, sometimes I question though. What if there is no God? And then I remember those few times when I felt Him Right There and I knew it was God. And then I think to myself, I can see him in the tapestry that my life is weaving. How could I not believe? And yet... tonight... I'm worrying about a job, or lack of a job. Is that the way a Believer should behave? I wish I could just give over the worry, the wishing I knew where things were going. All I really know is; all we're given is this moment. Right now. And we have the past to think about. And I wish I knew what God had in mind.

It's a first!

Tonight there is going to be a first in my/our bed! Wow! You say, after 25 years of marriage you'll be doing something new? What could be new after all this time? We have never had a grandson stay over and sleep in our bed between us. Keagan is not feeling well and Katie is studying for her finals for nursing, so she asked if he could stay the night.... when it came time for sleep, he would not sleep in his pack and play. When he comes to Grandma's house he naps on my bed. So, against our better instincts, Rog and I know this is not going to be a cozy night's sleep for us, more of a disturbed night's sleep... so Grandpa and And Grandma will sleep with a grandchild between them for the first time! (I think Emma was a little jealous as she figured out where he was going to sleep. That little snuggle-upagus -as Roger calls her- is wishing she was the one in our bed.) Children are an amazing gift. I'll probably sleep better knowing I know where he is and if he's ok. Times they are a'changing.

Quite frankly I am confused by this year's spring weather. It is so cold lately it hardly feels like spring. Sometimes though, the smells come through. For example, as I walked from my house to my car this morning, a fresh undeniable scent wafted across my nose and caused me to pause and smile. Earth. Something green was growing. I closed my eyes and traveled back through the years to my own back yard where I was closer to the ground then and I could smell it always. My fingers were black with dirt for a few seconds and I could smell the lilacs in the back yard of my youth. I opened my eyes and looked around. Maybe it was just the lilac bush in our back yard here in the present. And then a slight breeze blew and I shivered. It's spring, just early I guess.

I feel like I've been in a feed loop for years. I am presently trying to begin anew.... since I last wrote, I've lost both of my parents, gained and lost jobs, become a grandma and lived through a house fire - the fixing of the house - trying to move home - and - making it home again. While I know everyone has life events and some are much more traumatic, I feel like I've been caught reacting to everything instead of creating my own existence. I want to rethink who I am and be that woman. Some things won't change. I am proud to be the daughter of Paul and Alice Hainault. I am so happy to be the wife/life-mate/lover of Roger Markham. It is amazing to think I am the Mother of four beautiful/wonderful/intelligent children - Katie, Alice, Joseph, and Emma. It is mind boggling to think I am the Grandma of one Keagan Bowen. My gifts and talents won't change.... maybe what I'm doing with them will.. my basic character won't change. I just want to STOP the madness of living a life of reaction. It's true that in order to continue living, I must react to my environment, but it seems I've made a career of that in itself. So here's to choosing my transitions.... choosing what I do with my time. Choosing who I am, who I'm becoming, who I will be.

for the Moment

when looking in a mirror these days
i don't always look
too closely.

the fine lines aren't so great
the auburn hair isn't very red
the smile lines aren't smiling back at me.

the worry lines i feel,
no need to see them.


my mirrors show me things
i can easily forget
in a world where i simply
look inward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


hmmmmmmm
if I look long enough
for that ...mmm you know, whatever,
on the intenet,
then what I should really be doing
will
slip
away...........................................................



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Looking for Connections

I feel strangely disconnected
I am floating
sort of
I am looking for purpose
I think
someone told me
I should look for a window
I need a door
my foot in a doorway
I desire an opportunity
I want a chance
a wishing star
I need to think clearly
I need to get down to business
who's business?

Here I am! I'm Where?

Here I am after 22 years in a school community the "victim" of financial issues. And I am at HOME. With the four year old. Doing dishes. Doing Laundry. Doing stuff.
I find myself not knowing what to do. I have LOTS to do. I can't escape it. I have lots to do and a lot of time in which to do it. The problem is... because I'm home, my mind thinks it's summer or Saturday or a snow day (heaven knows this summer has been a cold one!). SCHOOL HAS BEGUN!!! What am I doing here?
Well, Monday, I did Laundry and Dishes. Tuesday, I did Laundry and Dishes. Wednesday I Wallowed in Self Pity playing Literati till part of my brain rotted. Today. I overslept, but got everybody to their destination on time. I visited with a neighbor who came to sell me Avon, but I got showered and lunch on the table for my husband in a timely fashion. I have started a blog.
You see, I have always wanted to write. Yes, just me and thousands of other folks. But! I have been given a gift of time. My beautiful, intelligent daughter is four. Next year she will go to kindergarten four days a week and I will take my teaching certificate (which, this year, did not get me a job) and I will march myself to the office of the superintendent and sign up to be a substitute teacher. This year. THIS YEAR. I can make work for me. True, I have pretty much wasted 3 days since school began(summer didn't count.....). I can take this lovely purple with dark green spots bull by the horns and do things MY WAY, not someone else's way. Sigh. I wish I had a stronger sense of how to begin. How to make the most of every single minute. I'm fully aware of how precious this time is and how quickly time will fade. So.
My purpose in writing this blog is to write. I want to write publicly to force myself to be out there. As I sit here now, my heartbeat is somewhat fast knowing I want to let this go on THE WEB. I want to force myself to let it all hang out... no, not graphically, just in a way that I feel I can lose my fears.
So, here goes. A new writer is HERE! I am where I need to be!