Tonight I should be snuggled in by Rog, but I'm up. I'm up worrying and wondering, will I get a job again? When will one of the resumes I have sent out be fruitful and find me a new job? I wonder, should I change what I do? I'm a teacher... but it's been awhile since I was in my own classroom. Am I still relevant? I want to think I am. But am I? This not working is wreaking havoc on my idea of who I am, what is my worth? Why can't I find lasting work? I sort of feel like there is a purpose to this, and yet that could very well be me allowing the feeling since I desperately want to see God's hand in this, and I desperately want to be able to make sense of this place I find myself. It would be so heartbreaking to find it is all just the way things are. As I look back on every part of my life I can see the hand of God. I don't always know it at the time. And some of the times of my life have been not at all what I expected, but I can look back at all those times and see God. Where is He tonight? Sometimes I can buy into this "end of times" crap and I think all the things that have come my way the past few years and think I'm being tested in my faith. Like I'm one of the only ones left on earth who really believes in God and my faith is being tested. I tell you, sometimes I question though. What if there is no God? And then I remember those few times when I felt Him Right There and I knew it was God. And then I think to myself, I can see him in the tapestry that my life is weaving. How could I not believe? And yet... tonight... I'm worrying about a job, or lack of a job. Is that the way a Believer should behave? I wish I could just give over the worry, the wishing I knew where things were going. All I really know is; all we're given is this moment. Right now. And we have the past to think about. And I wish I knew what God had in mind.